I caught my girlfriend cheating with our neighbor so I made her think our house was haunted. She went insane.
I am a 28-year-old guy and I used to date the most superstitious woman on the planet. If you so much as sneezed at 3:00 a.m., she would be convinced a demon was trying to possess you. My ex-girlfriend, Chloe, was not just a casual believer in ghosts; she was the full package. She had holy water in a spray bottle, threw salt over her shoulder like she was seasoning the floor, and once made me sleep on the couch because I whistled indoors at night. Apparently, that is an invitation for ghosts to join your Netflix binge. I swear, if I had a stomachache, she would rather exorcise my intestines than give me medicine.
Now, do not get me wrong, she was not stupid, just very committed to her paranoia. And honestly, it was kind of funny until it wasn’t.
One day, I found out Chloe was cheating on me with our neighbor. The guy next door. I mean, come on, out of all the options in the world, she picked Marcus, the human equivalent of plain oatmeal. He worked from home, had a weird collection of ceramic frogs, and once asked if bread had gluten in it.
I found out because she left her phone unlocked while she was in the shower. One text from Marcus, and boom, my heart plummeted. At first, I was pissed, but then I got an idea. She believed in ghosts deeply. So if she wanted to betray me, why not make sure she feared the same home she betrayed me in?
I called my best friend, Lucas. Now, Lucas is the kind of guy who once convinced his entire family that their house was sinking just by adjusting the furniture slightly every day. He lives for chaos. When I told him my plan, he did not even ask why. He just said, “Bro, we need dry ice and a Bluetooth speaker.”
And just like that, we got to work.
Lucas arrived at my place, sneaking in with an excitement that should have been illegal. He was not just helping a friend; this was his life’s work.
“My guy,” he said, throwing an arm around me, “we are about to turn your apartment into a straight-up horror movie.”
Step one: establish the haunting. We needed Chloe to feel like she was being watched. We started small, just enough to send chills down her spine, but not enough to make her pack up and leave immediately. That night, while Chloe was in the shower, Lucas and I hid in opposite corners of the apartment with Bluetooth speakers. As soon as the water started running, we played the faintest whispers, just incoherent enough to mess with her.
“Chloe, leave this place… Marcus will betray you too…”
She came running out of the bathroom in a towel, wide-eyed and shaking. “Did you hear that?”
I looked up from my phone, feigning ignorance. “Hear what?”
Her eyes darted around the room. “I swear I heard whispering.”
Lucas, hiding in the hallway, sent me a text: Time to gaslight.
I sighed and rubbed my temples. “Babe, you have to stop watching those ghost hunter shows. You are just scaring yourself.”
She hesitated, nodded, and went to bed. Lucas and I fist-bumped from opposite corners of the house.
The next night, we ticked things up a notch. Lucas, using a long fishing line, attached one end to the bedside lamp and ran it out through the slightly cracked closet door. At 3:00 a.m., he gave it a gentle tug. The lamp toppled over with a loud thud.
Chloe bolted upright, clutching the blanket. “What was that?”
I groggily turned over. “Huh? What now?”
“The lamp just fell by itself.”
I squinted at the fallen lamp. “Maybe it was Marcus trying to sneak in through the window,” I joked.
She did not find it funny.
That was when we heard knocking. Three slow, deliberate knocks from inside the closet.
Chloe screamed.
I pretended to wake up in shock. “What the—”
Lucas, hidden inside the closet, knocked three more times. Then, in his best ghost-meets-toddler whisper, he muttered, “Chloe… Chloe… you are not welcome here…”
Chloe flew out of the bed so fast she almost took the sheets with her. “Oh, hell no!”
She ran into the living room, breathless. I held her, pretending to hear nothing. “Calm down, let’s go sleep. You are just having bad dreams,” I said calmly.
Lucas sent me another text from inside the closet: This is better than TV.
The next morning, Lucas and I planted the next trap. I attached tiny fishing lines to random household objects: Chloe’s perfume bottle, the salt shaker, a couple of books. When she was alone in the kitchen, we started the show. The salt shaker toppled over, then the perfume bottle slid two inches forward.
“Nope, nope, nope!” Chloe threw her phone and bolted into the bedroom.
I walked in, rubbing my eyes like I had just woken up. “What now?”
She pointed at the kitchen pantry, panting. “Things are moving on their own!”
I sighed dramatically. “Babe, do you think maybe you’re just stressed? Work’s been crazy, right?”
She shook her head violently. “I’m not crazy. Something is wrong here.”
Lucas texted me: Time for phase three.
That night, while Chloe was in the bathroom brushing her teeth, Lucas and I got to work. Using my breath, I fogged up the bedroom mirror and quickly wrote in big, terrifying letters: CHLOE, LEAVE NOW.
The second she walked in, she saw the message. She dropped her toothbrush. Her soul left her body. “Oh, my God…”
I turned around casually. “What’s—”
“Holy shit!” I gasped in fake terror.
Then Chloe was shaking. “It knows my name! It knows my name!”
Lucas, hiding in the hallway, texted: She’s one jump scare away from moving out.
The next day, we went nuclear. While Chloe was in the living room, Lucas—dressed in all white with black circles under his eyes and ghostly makeup—crawled into the kitchen on all fours like something straight out of The Ring. Then, in the most demonic voice he could muster, he hissed, “Chloe…”
Chloe turned around, saw him, and let out a bloodcurdling scream.
Lucas screamed back at her. She screamed louder. Lucas screamed even louder. Then Lucas jumped onto the couch in a spider-like pose, eyes bulging, and let out a long, guttural growl.
Chloe fell over her own feet, tumbled backward, grabbed a couch pillow, and threw it at him like it was some kind of holy grenade. Lucas, staying committed to the role, caught the pillow in midair, sniffed it like a demon taking in the scent of fear, and hissed again.
Chloe ran out of the apartment barefoot in broad daylight, screaming bloody murder. I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing as I rushed after her. “Babe, wait!”
“We need a priest!” She grabbed my arm, desperate. “Yes, yes, a priest, now!”
Lucas sent me another text: Make way for Father Christopher.
Lucas had excused himself saying he needed to prepare the necessary spiritual tools. In reality, he sneaked out through the back entrance, ran around the block, and changed into his priest getup in the alleyway like some kind of undercover agent.
When he knocked on the door again, it was as if a completely different person had arrived. Chloe was pacing the living room, gripping a rosary she definitely bought five minutes ago from a nearby store. Her eyes darted around like a prey animal waiting for a lion to pounce.
I sat beside her, trying to keep a serious face while Lucas got into character. He had changed into an all-black outfit, borrowed one of my mom’s old scarves to drape like a priest stole, and carried a leather-bound book that was actually an old menu from a fancy restaurant.
He strutted out of the bedroom like a man who had seen things. “It is worse than I feared,” he announced, his voice dripping with melodrama. “There is great evil in this home.”
Chloe gasped. “You can feel it?”
Lucas turned his head slowly to face her, narrowing his eyes. “The spirits speak to me, Chloe. They are displeased.”
I chewed on my tongue to keep from laughing.
Chloe gripped my arm. “Oh, my God, what do we do?”
Lucas took a deep breath and flipped open his holy book. “We must perform an exorcism.”
Chloe nodded frantically. “Yes, yes, do it! Whatever you need, just—just get it out.”
Lucas nodded solemnly. “But first, you must understand. These spirits do not haunt places. They haunt people.” He turned to me. “Eyes cold. And this apartment… it is not the source.”
Chloe turned to me, confused. “Wait, what do you mean?”
Lucas lowered his voice to a grave whisper. “They are following you.”
Her face drained of color.
Lucas exhaled like a weary warrior. “It is no surprise. The spirits often attach themselves to those burdened by guilt.”
Her hands started shaking. “Guilt…?”
Lucas closed the book. “Is there something you are hiding, Chloe?”
And there it was. The seed planted. Chloe’s eyes darted between me and Lucas. Her breath unsteady. “What are you saying?”
Lucas stayed silent, watching her. She swallowed.
Lucas turned to me. “Hold her hand. She must not move during the ritual.”
Chloe’s eyes bulged. “Wait, why—?”
Lucas ignored her, raising his arms. “Spirits of the damned, I call upon thee!”
He lifted a small bottle from his pocket and began sprinkling water on her forehead. “Be gone, foul presence!”
Chloe shrieked, “What is that?!”
Lucas’s voice echoed, “Holy water!”
I coughed to cover a laugh. It was tap water from the kitchen sink.
Lucas slammed the book shut. “We must burn sage to cleanse the energy!”
I dramatically grabbed a bundle of incense sticks, lit them, and waved them around like a lunatic.
“Leave this woman, evil spirit!” Lucas shouted, tossing a handful of salt into the air.
Chloe flinched. “What was that?!”
“Purification salt!” Lucas screamed. It was table salt.
Chloe was shaking at this point. “Is it working?!”
Lucas closed his eyes, exhaling deeply. “The spirit resists. We must call upon a higher force.”
Chloe clutched my arm. “What does that mean?”
Lucas turned to me. “It means we need him.”
Chloe frowned. “Who’s him?”
Lucas took a deep breath, looked her dead in the eye, and whispered, “Marcus.”
Her face froze.
“Babe,” I said softly, faking confusion. “Why would the spirit want Marcus?”
She went still. The color drained from her face as she let out a nervous chuckle. “What? No idea. That’s weird.”
Lucas stepped closer, staring into her soul. “Summon him, Chloe. Bring Marcus here, or the spirit will never leave.”
Her breathing became erratic. “But why would—”
Lucas cut her off, his voice low and dangerous, “Summon him.”
She hesitated for one long second, and then her hand shakily grabbed her phone. I almost lost it. This was it. The checkmate.
She dialed. “Greg… can you, um, come over?” Her voice was barely above a whisper.
I leaned back, watching her squirm. “Babe, why are you calling Marcus? Why him?”
Chloe was silent. She did not answer.
Lucas crossed his arms and said, “The spirits do not lie.”
She looked like she was about to pass out. Lucas then turned to me. “The dark energy in this house is overwhelming. We must purify it fully.”
He snapped his fingers. “Pack her belongings. The spirits demand it.”
Chloe’s head snapped up. “Wait, what?”
Lucas nodded solemnly. “We must rid this place of the energy attached to these items.”
I immediately grabbed Chloe’s suitcase from the closet. Lucas handed her a bag. “Pack, child, quickly!”
Still overwhelmed, she actually started putting her clothes into the bag.
Marcus arrived shortly after. And then I swung the door open.
Marcus stepped inside. “Chloe, what’s—”
Lucas cut him off, and in one swift motion reached into his pocket, pulled out a small bag of flour, and yeeted it into Marcus’s face.
Marcus screamed. Chloe screamed.
Lucas pointed dramatically, “Be gone, foul entity!”
Chloe, already frazzled, shrieked, “Oh, my God, Greg is possessed!”
Lucas went all in. “The spirit reveals itself! Look at his true form!”
Marcus coughed violently. “What the hell is happening?!”
I crossed my arms. “Yeah, Greg, what’s happening?”
Chloe froze. She knew. She was figuring out everything slowly. She looked at me, then back at him.
Marcus’s panic turned to confusion. “Wait, what’s going on?”
I turned to Chloe. “Yeah, Chloe, what’s going on?”
She opened her mouth, then closed it. No words.
Lucas smirked. “The exorcism has revealed the truth.”
Marcus looked between us, still coughing up flour. “I think I should go.”
Lucas yelled, “Evil shall not flee!” and threw a second bag of flour at him.
Marcus screamed again. “What the hell, man?!”
Lucas turned to me. “The demon has been purged.”
I nodded. “Yeah. Now it’s time to take out the trash.”
Chloe gasped. “Wait—”
I cut her off, grabbed the packed bags, and hurled them out the door. Chloe shrieked, “Babe, no!”
I looked her dead in the eye. “The power of loyalty compels you.”
And then I slammed the door shut on her face.
Silence.
Lucas and I stood there for a moment, then he patted my shoulder. “That was beautiful.”
I exhaled. “Yeah, it was.”
And then we burst into laughter.
